Our Topic of the Day: Male Vs Female
by Kurapika
Summary: It's Time for the HxH characters to decide between one of the two, on the talk show hosted by some special guests ^.~


Disclaimer: I do not own Hunter X Hunter, Naruto or any of its characters. All Characters are copy written to their respective owners... blah, blah, blah you all know the rules so just get on with the story.

Author's Note: Uhh... well sorry about the inconvenience... but I was unable to find a spell check on this computer, so some words will be wrong until I check for spelling on another computer when I have the time. Until then, enjoy and I hope my terrible spelling will not get in the way of you enjoying this fic.

Our Topic of the Day: Male Vs. Female

T.V Voice: Welcome viewers! It's time for everyone's topic of the day! The part of a day where... there's a topic... and we... talk about it... so, give a warm welcome to! The host of our show!

Host: Hello and welcome to the show! I bet you're all wondering what we're you're doing here today. I bet you think I have something interesting to say. That I might crack a funny joke or amuse you by doing an act. Well you're wrong! since when where hosts amusing in anyway! You tell me that! And do you want to know WHY that is? IT's because NOBODY CARES about the host! All they want to see are the guests or contestants. I don't matter! I'm useless! I'm just here to announce the names! I'm-

The host is pushed off stage buy Naruto, who steals his microphone and takes over

Naruto: Welcome and greetings. Naruto, greatest, most impressive always better then that dumb ass Sasuke here! Taking over for... uh... who ever that guy was...

Host: See! No one even knows my name! I have a name! AND IT'S NOT "HOST!"

Naruto clears his throat ignoring him, but before he can say anything Sasuke appears beside him, also holding a microphone

Sasuke: What did you call me?

Naruto: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? YOU WHEREN'T INVITED!

Sasuke ignores Naruto's dance of rage and furry as he continues with the introduction

Sasuke: Today we are here to solve a problem that has been circling around here for quit some time. Kurapika's gender. Now of course I do understand that Kurapika is officially a male but! That leaves some fans unsatisfied. So today, we will solve the problem. Here with me today are-

Naruto: They're with me!

Sasuke: ... here with me today are, The unofficial doctor Leorio. Who will give us well educated answers over the debate.

Leorio: Hello to all you beautiful single woman out there! I'm good looking, available, and my phone number can be found in the credits following this show! So if you're a single good looking chick looking for a guy like me-

Naruto pushes the camera away from Sasuke and the babbling Leorio, continuing with his introduction

Naruto: Jerk! Who do you think you are?

Naruto turns back to the camera, a huge smile on his face

Naruto: Also with us is this short kid with spiky hair.

Gon: ... I'm Gon...

Naruto: No... you're right here.

Gon: What?

Naruto: You're not gone.

Gon: I am so.

Naruto: No you're not! If your standing right here in front of me you can't be gone!

Gon: ...

Sasuke: ... Idiot...

Naruto: I know! dumb kid!

Sasuke: I was talking about you - -'

Naruto: WHAT? WHAT DID I DO!

Sasuke: Who are you?

looking at Killua

Killua: I'm with Gon.

Naruto: You mean you're gone?

Killua: No, he's Gon.

Naruto: No! He's still here.

Killua: ...

Sasuke: Baka...

Naruto: I know! This guy's just as stupid!

Sasuke: I was talking about you! If it's an insult it will always be you!

Naruto: JERK!

he lunges at Sasuke, but he dodges out of the way and Naruto falls off the stage

Sasuke: And, of course we couldn't have a debate over Kurapika without Kurapika himself.

Kurapika: It's good to be here Sasuke.

Sasuke: As well as Kurapika herself.

Female Kurapika: It's good to be here Sasuke.

Male Kurapika: ... what the? How am I... did I? What?

Naruto: phe-. It's no big deal. I can do that too.

M Kura: ...

Sasuke: Today we are going to find out which is better. Male or Female.

Naruto & Leorio: FEMALE!

M Kura: What? But she's not even real!

F Kura: What are you talking about? They may be smaller then most but they ARE real.

Leorio: ohh... I think I like this Kurapika better.

M Kura: SHUT UP!

Sasuke: Now, to find out with Kurapika the group and audience likes better, the guests will ask both Kurapika's some questions, and they will answer, judging on the answer given, our guests and audience will say who they liked better judging from the answers. Who ever is the more popular Kurapika, gets to stay in the show.

M Kurapika: What? But I'm the real Kurapika! You're saying that if they like her more I'm gone?

Naruto: NO! No one is gone god damn it! You're all right here!

F Kurapika: ... if I can get everyone's votes... I stay and he goes? evil thoughts

Sasuke: Now that we know what's happening, let's begin-

Naruto: I want more guests! This isn't enough!

Sasuke: ... go away Naruto.

Naruto: This is MY show!

Host: ... actually, It's my-

Naruto: Nobody cares about you go away!

Host weeps in a corner

Naruto runs off, coming back with Kuroro and Hisoka

Naruto: There.

Hisoka sits beside Gon, crossing his legs and smiling at him

Hisoka: Helllloooo wink

Gon: ...

Both Kurapikas: KUMO!

Kuroro: What the fu-

Both Kura's attack Kuroro, pummeling him to the ground

Naruto: Cool!

Both Kura's: DIE!

Sasuke: ... Naruto... there was a reason these two weren't ask to come...

Naruto: I know! Look at them scrap!

after they pull the three apart

Kuroro: ... two chain users... it is as if my bad dreams are coming true...

Leorio: Bad dream? When I dream of two Kurapika's it's ALWAYS good.

Kuroro: ... shifts away

Sasuke: Anyways... let us begin... question # 1 will be asked by-

Naruto: ME!

Sasuke: You're not a guest...

Naruto: So? I'm a host! This is my show!

Sasuke: ... whatever...

Naruto: Okay Kurapika's this is your first question. If you where in a burning building, what would you do?

M Kurapika: Well, first I would make sure that my friends where safe, and that no one was in the building before trying to escape. Then I would help put out the fires. Unless of course, I was the one that set the fire, and the ryodan was trapped inside. Then I would stand, watching from the outside of the building, and laugh... yes... I would laugh.. laugh as they burn within the fires of hell... BURN!

Kuroro: Well Kurapika, I'm going to have to say I have a problem with your answer.

M Kurapika: - and then as the fires smoldered and your ashes blew away in the wind, I would laugh some more. But not loudly... softly... like a laugher in my throat.. like this muahahahha

Kuroro: ...

Sasuke: ... well... guests... what do you think of his answer?

Gon: I thought the first half of his answer was very loyal. The second half... you sounded a little... I don't know... how do you say it?

Killua: Insane?

Gon: Yes... yes I think that is the word I am looking for.

Leorio: Raving mad is more like it!

Hisoka: laughs psychotically I can just see it all now! Burn! BURN!

Leorio: ... but not as crazy as him...

Kuroro: Kurapika, I have a question for you. Have you ever read the bible? I have, and do you know what it says? You should forgive and forget. And you... you are not forgiving or forgetting.

Naruto: What about you Miss.Kurapika?

F Kurapika: Well.. in a burning building? Umm... it would be very hot in one of those... I guess that I would... cool myself down by taking off some of my clothes. Then I would wait there for... a handsome Doctor... or a skilled young Hunter, maybe a powerfully overwhelming Assassin or a strong seductive magician... or maybe even a well built member of the ryodan to come and rescue me. And then, after they whisk me away from danger, I would repay them for their kindness. But... well, I'd rather not say it in front of the camera, it's a little... personal.

M Kurapika: WHAT?

Leorio: hehe, handsome doctor!

Gon: A skilled young hunter? Well.. I am skilled ... and I AM young-

Hisoka: That you are Gon... That you are...

Gon: ...

Killua: Powerfully Overwhelming Assassin? grins I guess I can be, a little overwhelming sometimes...

Kuroro: Well built member of the ryodan... grins showing his perfectly white teeth and flexing his arms Well, I can't lie about that. My abs ARE killer!

M Kurapika: But, but, but! She's lying! I would never do that! She wouldn't I... are you guys listening! HEY!

Sasuke: ... Leorio.

Leorio is looking in a mirror

Leorio: I'm handsome! Kurapika never told me that before, he usually calls me an idiot. But now I'm handsome! I'm good looking! I'm-

Naruto: LEORIO!

Leorio: What?

Naruto: What's your question for these two?

Leorio: Me? Oh yes of course! Alright Kurapika's my question of you two is this. If I by chance, screwed up or did something wrong that bothered you. What would you do?

M Kurapika: You ALWAYS mess up! I can name 100 different times! The blah blah, the blah blah blah- starts naming everything that Leorio's done wrong

half on hour later

M Kurapika: I would insult you! Like I always do! It's like you WANT me to insult you with some of those things that you do!

Leorio: ... you are such a prick...

F Kurapika: I would probably insult you too...

Leorio: You would?

F Kurapika: Yes... but then... I would feel so terrible! And I would make it up to you by, fell first telling you how bad I felt about it, then I would maybe cook you something to eat... then snuggle in front of a fireplace and confess to you of how terribly wrong I was.

M Kurapika: You little-! I would not! LYER! You insult my image!

Gon: Third question! If me or any of us where in trouble, what would you do?

M Kurapika: Help of course!

Gon: Even Kuroro?

M Kurapika: Except for Kuroro!

Gon: Why not Kuroro?

M Kurapika: I HATE Kuroro!

Kuroro: Forgive and forget!

M Kurapika: I would let you die!

F Kurapika: "I" would help him.

Everyone: ...

M Kurapika: YOU WOULD NOT!

F Kurapika: Yes I would! I don't hate Kuroro enough to let him die!

M Kurapika: YES WE DO!

Kuroro: Then why did you attack me when I walked on stage?

F Kurapika: That! Why dancho-sama, have you never dealt with a raving fan girl before?

Kuroro: ...

F Kurapika: I would help them, no matter what.

Gon: That's good! You care about everyone!

M Kurapika: &#!&#&(#(&!#

Killua: Someone's PMSing-

M Kurapika starts choking Killua

Hisoka: I believe it is my turn for a question.

M Kurapika: ... go ahead...

Hisoka: Gon, my fresh little apple pie! Would you go out with me on a date?

Gon: EEWW!

M Kurapika: ... I though you where supposed to- ah never mind... I wouldn't want that question directed at me anyways - -'

F Kurapika: If I was Gon, I would say.. YES!

Hisoka: ... But you're not Gon...

F Kurapika: I can pretend to be, haven't you ever heard of roll-playing?

Hisoka: .. tasty...

Gon: ... ehh...

Sasuke: Alright, last question for the night.

Naruto: WHERE'S THE RAMEN?

Sasuke: ... points ever there..

Naruto disappears

Sasuke: Alright... last question of the night that isn't asked by Naruto. Kuroro?

Kuroro: ... Kurapika if-

M Kurapika: One day I will have my revenge your blood will flow freely into the earth and my brothers eyes will be returned to them.

Kuroro: ... I'm getting tired of you threatening me. I hope that you know that I am the guest. You are simply the debate. So you should show a little more respect.

M Kurapika: Debate?

Kuroro: Watch it Kurapika, I know your weakness. I can crush you like a bug.

M Kurapika: I don't know your weakness... but I can still crush you.

F Kurapika: ohh Kuroro, you're soooooo strong...

M Kurapika: ... HE IS NOT! STOP THAT! I know you don't think like that because we think exactly the same! And I certainly do no regard him in such a way!

F Kurapika: One must do what they must to win. That's how the game is played.

M Kurapika: ... you think you're tricky? I can be just as cunning...

he walks off stage

Sasuke: We will be back after these short messages. Where everyone will reveal their answers.

commercial #1

a truck pulls up beside Gon, the door opens

Killua: Hope in Gon! Come help me give this baby a test drive!

Gon: climbing in You bought a truck?

Killua: no.. hotwired one. But it's still just as good.

hits the gas and motors off like a mad man

Gon: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Voice: Top in its class for 6 years running

Killua drives off a cliff, crashing around

Voice: With 5 star quality crash results

The truck rolls for a while, Killua turns on the C.D player

Voice: With Standard C.D player and sleek leather interior.

cops start chasing after them, Killua steps on the gas

Voice: With all the extra muscle you need-

Killua steps on reverse, running over the police cars

Voice: - to get the job done.

the police start chasing on foot

Voice: Everything you'd expect from our Ford X1-50 Super Series

Gon: We got in trouble TT

Killua: YAHOO!

drives threw a brick wall

Voice: Ford. Like a rock.

commercial #2

Leorio: Hey there guys, do you have trouble picking up chicks? Do the girls always turn away? Do none of your pick up lines work? Well, have I got the solution for you.

pulls out "axe body spray for men"

Leorio: Axe body spray for men, it's guaranteed to make girls think you are a crazed sex machine put on this earth for them, and as a bonus, it make you smell good too.

sprays it on him

Leorio: Observe, Axe Body Spray in action.

walks up to Kurapika

Leorio: Hey baby...

Kurapika: ... I'm a man! ... and why do you smell like catnip?

Leorio: What?

looks down at the spray bottle to find it actually "Hertz spray on Catnip"

Leorio: ...

Cats: YOWL!

Leorio is attacked by a large waved of catnip drunken cats

Kurapika: ... I'm going to go now...

leaves

Leorio: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Voice: Hertz Catnip in a cat. It's sure to bring out the tiger in your kitten.

Commercial #3

Hisoka: I like my hair, soft and full of life. That's why I use Herbal essence shampoo and conditioner.

puts shampoo on his head

Hisoka: I can feel the oohhh ooooooooooooohhhh OOHHHHH!

Everyone: ...

Hisoka isn't in a shower, he is just standing in the middle of the studio rubbing shampoo into his dry hair

Everyone: ...

Kuroro: ... this is what I have to go threw EVERYDAY, and I don't mean it in the sick way you're thinking! I mean it's annoying! He wakes me up with this noise! At first I thought it was just Shalnark and Ubo, but no! It's Hisoka shampooing his stupid hair! He keeps me up too! You ever live with someone that just HAS to bath at 3 am? Well I do, and he sounds like THIS!

Hisoka: OOOHHHHH! YES! YES! YES!

Kuroro: It's unbelievably disturbing... not to mention it scares the neighbors away. I can't even live in a decent apartment. Me and my gang keep getting kicked out because of HIM! Now we're forced to live in a rundown disgusting wreak of an abandon building. The only thing good about that place is that Hisoka's already scared out all the rats with his shampoo moaning!

Hisoka: Herbal Essence Shampoo. It's a totally organic experience...

Commercial #4

Kurapika: Tampex complete with it's unique ultra absorbent-

Killua runs Kurapika over with his truck

Everyone: YAY! I hate those commercials!

Kurapika: Hey! Come on! Have a little sympathy! It was either this or the Viagra one, and you'll catch me doing a tampex commercial before I EVER do a Viagra one!

end of commercials

Sasuke: Welcome back to the show. Where we where ju-

Naruto boots Sasuke off stage, taking over

Naruto: Welcome back to my show! We where just about to wrap this all up. ALRIGHT guys! What are your decisions?

M Kurapika: Me!

Naruto: I wasn't talking to you!

Leorio: I would have to go with Female Kurapika. She's so much nicer then the original Kurapika.

Gon: I agree. She loves everyone, even the spiders.

Killua: She thinks I'm a Overwhelming Assassin!

Kuroro: And that I'm well built!

Hisoka: And she'll role-play as Gon just for meeeeee!

Kuroro: Not to mention that Kurapika stalks me... I would rather have a female stalker as apposed to a male one.

M Kurapika: WHAT? I'm not stalking!

Kuroro: Stalker!

M Kurapika: You're all perverts!

F Kurapika: You're all so kind!

Sasuke: Well, it looks lik-

M Kurapika: HOLD ON! I have signatures!

Everyone: ... signatures?

M Kurapika: Over ten million signatures! That say "I" should be the one to stay!

F Kurapika: WHAT?

M Kurapika: Read them and weep.

F Kurapika: reading "Introduction of a female Kurapika would decrease the yaoi Hunter X Hunter Fan Market. 70 of fanfiction, fanart and Doujinshi would be lost."

Gon: Who's in the other 30 then?

Hisoka: Hohohohoho

Gon: …

M Kurapika: pointing to female Kurapika THAT'S RIGHT! I'm the Hunter X Hunter whore! Not you!

Everyone: ...

Kuroro: ... he's... competitive... isn't he...

M Kurapika: Over ten million for me, BEATS the 5 measly little opinions you have! So HA! HAHAHHA! I WIN!

Sasuke: Well... with a surprising turn of events, it looks like Male Kurapika is here to stay.

Leorio: ... hey Kurapika... Naruto's been telling me of this sexy-no-jitsu trick he can do. I think you should take him as your teacher and learn it.

Kurapika: ... ... YOU WISH!

Naruto: Well that's our show for today! Tune in next time, where our topic of the day will be. "100 Reasons Why Naruto is Better then Sasuke

Sasuke: What?

Naruto: BYE BYE!


End file.
